Thursday, August 27, 2009

The title of "Mother"

You know, I have been thinking the past couple days about myself as the title of "mother". I just recently joined the application on facebook, called "circle of moms". What it's for is, you can ask questions about motherhood, give advice or criticism ( in a mature manner, of course) and just simply talk about fond memories, and I really like it. I've been getting good feedback on my advice and also on my concerns as a parent.

Stuff like this also makes me think of the times that I was pregnant with my kids. "I didn't know I was pregnant" with Hayden until 5 months into it. This is what I wrote to a mother asking other mothers of what we thought of motherhood. I quickly replied this:

"Gosh, I love being a mother! When I found out I was pregnant with my first, I cried really hard. Being 19 and a crazy partier, I felt like, what did I get myself into? I didn't feel like I was ready to jump into motherhood just yet. I knew I wanted kids, but dang, I wanted to live my carefree life...but that night, as I laid on the couch, I touched my stomach and felt her kick...ok backing up...i was 5 months pregnant when i found out...its a long long story, but it's one of those "i didn't know i was pregnant" things....anyways back on track....I felt her kick and it made me cry in happiness. She was letting me know she was there and saying "finally, you know I exist!" lol. I knew from that moment on that I couldn't not have the world that I wanted if I had given her up for adoption.
Now that's she's 3, she amazes me every single day. She's so full of energy and life and I could never imagine my life without her. like you said, "i feel like i can understand things that were once foreign to me". It's nice to know that i can give advice and my opinions on things that other moms need help on."

I also remember being pregnant with Noah and it seems so much worse with him. I actually had morning sickness ( i didn't have that with Hayden). It seemed like I ate a whole lot more...and I ate so much with Hayden. He was also alot more active.

Then becoming a step-mom took alot of courage from me. I was very scared. Like super duper scared. I thought being a mommy is the scariest thing...but being a step-mom is a whole lot scarier. In my case, I grew up with a terrible step-mom. Although to my face, she acted as though she loved me (most of the time), behind my back she despised me. She didn't care for me as my step-father did. I loved him. He was my hero.
I was always afraid that I would turn out like my step-mother. I have even cried to my step-son that I was afraid and begged him to never hate me and assured him that I loved him. He told me not to worry, that I was a really good mommy. That eased my mind a little, but still in the back of my mind I had that fear. Every day, I think about what little thing I could do to show him that I love him. I write him notes, I buy him his favorite know, little things of that nature, just to let him know I was thinking of him. He seems to like those. Even when we punish him, we have him repeat that the reason as to why we're punishing him is because we love him and want him to make right decisions. I'm not kidding...he repeats that every time he gets in parents punished me, put me down verbally and acted as though they didn't love me. you don't do that as parents. I want to make things right for my kids.

so as I sit here, thinking about being a mother, I realize how truly blessed I am. God has given me 3 beautiful, smart, funny kids and I could not ask for anything more wonderful!


Sunday, August 23, 2009

(2/2) dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun! Wooooooooo! We love you, people! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! We're so crazy!!!
(1/2) Im sorry i just gotta sing it again, marisa. " doesnt matter anyway, cause we dont like you and thats ok, we are making the words up to this song dun

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A new mobile entry! Just seeing if it works. Woo-hoo!

A new start in end of August

This is my first post since February. We got the internet again, mostly for Leo's sake for school and financial things. Our own 'financial' situation seems to be getting better as the months go by. We're spending less and using more of our money to pay off debt and (obviously) pay our monthly bills, which is a great thing for us. Back before 09', we were spending our money left and right on things we never needed, only things we wanted and desired.

Our marriage was on the rocks earlier this year...and it actually started back up again during the early summer, when Leo had left for annual training, and it was more of me this time. I broke down, crying when i came to realization of what i did (the Lord said that even thinking lust is adultery) after watching John Hagee preach about families and fathers. Knowing I couldn't keep it from Leo (even though everyone else was telling me it was no big deal...i wasn't like everyone else. I had standards for myself and I ripped those standards apart) and told him how ashamed i was. We made a pact! Now, it seems like our marriage is doing a whole lot better. We went on a date a few days after he got back from Washington state. He surprised me by taking me to Applebees (our very first date we went on when we sweet) and then we went to the movie theater to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which was a movie both of us were dying to see. it was a great night. We then decided that date night had to be mandatory. Although we don't go out and spend money, we still make date night. Putting the kids to bed early, we'll put a movie on and cuddle on the couch with a bag of popcorn. those nights seem to be the best. I'm hoping this continues on, because no one really ever wants to see their marriage fail. It doesn't make you feel good, warm, loved or wanted inside. I love my husband very much and do believe that my husband loves me just as much back.

I've recently started babysitting my neighbor's 4 year old son, named Brayden who's Hayden's best friend. How cute, right?! their names rhyme. lol.

Leo has gotten me more interested in politics and I have been speaking my opinions about it (really just on facebook)...getting a bit of criticism, but then again....most of my friends are Liberal. I'm obviously Conservative. I'm so glad i married a man who shares the same viewpoints as I do :) I don't agree with the healthcare bill....really mostly what the obama administration is doing to this country. all the hypocrisy is getting on my nerves...and there's alot of it in there!!! however, i don't want to get into it all....then my post would be huuuuuge!!! lol

i'm out!

God Speed,


Sunday, February 1, 2009

alive and well.

we got rid of our internet, home phone, and cable to start saving money and become financially stable. my phone is a go phone and has very limited talking...of course, if you have at&t wireless, i can talk to you for FREEEEEEE!!!! yay. anyways, i hope everyone is okay. this will be my last entry in a while. i've gotta go watch the superbowl. i'm not sure who i want to win...maybe cardinals............or steelers......oh well.

i pray to God every night. i thank Him for everything he's done for me and for my family.

i love you all.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

Only a matter of time

I just got off the phone with my mother in law...while i was on there with her, i decided to spill the beans and let her know what her son was doing. in a small sense, she didn't seem too surprised. she said he had problems with it when he lived with them. i was about to break down crying, hoping she'd have a simple solution to make all the pain go away...but she admitted, she didn't. :( a bit heartbreaking, but she told me to go with him to see "fireproof" which is a pretty good christian movie, i'm told. i wanna go see it badly. i'm at the point where i don't know if i'm in love with him anymore because how can you love someone that you don't trust?!? She mentioned to me that she definately didn't approve of what he had done and neither does his father...and that she would pray for us and hope things get better.

There's a book that she told me about called "love dare" says that marriages usually end with "i don't love you anymore" or "i'm not in love with you" and the book kinda brings out the "love" for one another by doing dares...for example, for one day, don't say ANYTHING mean or rude to your spouse...even if you want to. i think that would be a great book for us. "love never fails" it says in the bible. so how can it be love if it fails?????

i'm having a terrible time handling this. i never thought i would be getting married, and then 6 months later, it would end....having no heartbeat or sign of life in the relationship. for better, for worse....or for much much worse. commiting adultrey is one of the many things God looks down upon. No respect. No love. No compassion can come through commiting adultrey.

i suppose i'm not the type of person that can go through something as such and say "things happen, we can get through it." i'm very much the type of person who has to heal for a very long period of time and cannot take such an act lightly.

hopefully, in a matter of time, our marriage will be back to its' origional state, but until then.....